I sit here at 11:24 pm on the eve of what would be Finn’s 7th Birthday and can’t help but think of this same time seven years ago. Finn was a scheduled c-section, a very different birth experience than the emergency that was our older son Declan. We had a calm evening, woke up early, kissed Declan goodbye and told him we would introduce him to his little brother in a few short hours. Our drive to the hospital was the same familiar tree lined Cape Cod route into Falmouth, into the comfort of the Labor and Delivery department that welcomed us with open arms.
We checked in, Jim suited up in his scrubs and we headed to the surgical suite. A short hour later our sweet Finnley Lawrence had arrived. He completed our family and we were so excited to introduce him to Declan.
11:24 pm Fast forward to 4/9/2020 and I impatiently wait for my midnight date with Facebook to surprise me with memories. They could be a year, 3 years or 10 years and is a snapshot of our life and experiences. I can only imagine the flood of emotions that will come with tonight’s offerings but I eagerly await them like a child anticipates their birthday.
11:58. Two more minutes. On an eve where I should be excited to wake up to a decorated house and roars of laughter I wait for Facebook to bring me tears, joy or both.
12:02 am 4/10/2020. Here. We. Go. Facebook did not disappoint. I scroll through the years of smiles, parties and cakes. Quickly reality sets in, only 6 posts. Only six years of memories. Anger invades for a brief moment that he only had 6 short years. I am fortunate to have an amazing therapist to walk this journey with and help me understand that anger in bereavement is often a sign of sadness for those that struggle with showing emotions. That certainly describes me, so for this night I allow myself to cry. To sit in my carefully planned pj’s and just cry.
12:41 I dry my tears as the wisdom of our amazing Pastor Father Malley enters my heart. I start feeling a warmth come over me as I think about how blessed we have been for the last 6 years to have so many amazing memories. Finn has touched so many hearts in the short time he was with us and we make the conscious choice to celebrate that in his absence. We are all blessed beyond measure to have experienced his smile, his laugh and his love. We will forever #FightWithFinn.
*Feature image of Declan reaching for the moon by Magical Memories Photography LLC